Can we get cable......please?

Ok....so if there is anyone out there who wants to send money to the "Mary needs money for cable so that she can watch the Tudors starting on Sunday" fund, donations would be much appreciated.

I absolutley need to see this series! It looks amazing! Spent like an hour yesterday on the computer just watching the first episode that you can see on IMDB or on the Showtime website. It looks amazing! I'm now back into my whole "why can't we be living in Tudor England" kick.

If I don't get to see it while it's on tv, and I know I won't since I don't have showtime (or cable in general) and it's on on Sunday nights when I'm not home. I'll just have to (sadly) wait until probably July when it will come out on DVD at the earliest. (Sadly the last episode doesn't air until June 6th)

Thinking and Penguins

I need to stop thinking. Thinking leads to doubt and doubt leads to stress and more thinking. It's an endless cycle. I hate it. I just need to stop thinking for once. I just need to be happy.

Here's a Happy Feet icon for everyone. Mumble makes me smile.

Where's my gold?

I know it's not real, but sometimes you just have to believe in myths.

Right now I'm really wishing I could go and find my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Then maybe I could finally get out of here. You know how people all ways say that once you hit rock bottom things can only get better? Yeah......well those people are full of shit because things can get worse when you hit rock bottom. I'm living proof of that.

Once again I'm being threatened to be kicked out of the house. Don't really know why, but I am. Once again I'm getting the whole "you have X number of days to get your stuff together and leave before we throw your stuff out and change the locks on the house". Doesn't hearing something like that make you feel loved?

The funny part about all of this is that I'm the only one that ever gets threatened to be kicked out of the house. None of the others ever get told that. I originally was told I would have to move out if I didn't get a job. Now I'm working two jobs while going to school full time because I get no financial help from my family. I guess that isn't enough for them because I'm also now supposed to make dinner and clean the house while I'm home between school and work. Never mind the fact that whenever I get home no one ever leaves me any dinner and so I'm stuck with whatever I can find which usual is little to nothing.

Everyone else around here can do no wrong though. Margaret can throw her hissy fits and my parents say that she can't do something but then a few hours later they change their minds and she's back to doing whatever she wants. Eddie's the gold boy and could probably get away with murder in their eyes. Emily is the oldest and therefore never gets yelled at. So since I'm not the oldest, youngest, or only boy I get all of the anger and yelling and such directed right at me...........doesn't that sound fun?

The thing is it wasn't all ways like this..............I mean I can't really remember, but there must have been sometime when my family actually cared about me. I know there were times when I wasn't yelled at every single day. There weren't times when my family made me cry daily. Just, right now those times seem like ancient history.

I know I act like this doesn't bug me that much. But, the truth is it hurts a whole hell of a lot. Between your family pretty much saying we don't care about you get the hell out of here to your little sister saying I wish you were dead and not getting punished for it. Everything hurts. It's been going on for so long that the pain and pressure of pretending to be happy is finally taking its toll on me. I mean there are times when I'm in actual pain from crying so much and curling up somewhere to try and escape all of this.

I want to leave here. I really do. But every time I decide I'm going to leave something happens that makes me stay. For some reason when that happens I seem to think that maybe everything will be getting better. Yet, every time I get let down. I guess I'm just not smart enough to learn that it isn't going to be getting better anytime soon.

I'm doomed to suffer in this hell. I don't get to have a happy ending.

Update

Update comming soon..........I promise! It'll even be a happy one this time!

Hate Life, Snow, And Lots Of Other Things

I hate this freakin weather! It needs to die and disappear even though that really isn't possible! I don't care!

Got to spend about 20 minutes waiting outside for the bus to come this morning because my dad insisted on leaving at 6:30 to drive down the street cuz the roads are so "trecherous". Yes they were slippery, but considering I got to the bus stop by what 6:40, couldn't he have left a little later? No, and by mentioning that little bit to him got me screamed at. Not cool.

Took a whole forty mintutes to get to school this morning. By the time the bus got down to campus I was allready 5 minutes late for my first class. Walked in right as the teacher starts showing the class a video. Pisses me off because I realize that I have forgotten the study guide that goes with this video which had some questions on it that we were supposed to answer while viewing the film. Also get pissed off when I realize at the end of class that I forgot my notecards. Today was a class question day and now I'm going to loose I think it's 10 points because I was rushed in the morning and forgot the stupid 3x5 pieces of paper. The only good thing that has happened so far today is that said Journalism class ended about 20 minutes early.

Now I'm just waiting for my History mid-term. Only worth about 1/4 of my grade! Yeah! No pressure to do well on this exam. I've been studying this stupid map since recieving it and have been constantly reviewing our sources yet I still feel like I am going to do so bad on it. This isn't good!

And now I also have a feeling that due to certain events that happened this morning my dad is not going to want to come and pick my up from work tonight.....yeah! Not! Now I have a feeling I am going to have to try to convince my mom to even though she will be sleeping before she works tonight. This also means that I won't be able to go to Borders as planned to go and get a new book to read at school. Life is just determined to hate me.