Where's my gold?

I know it's not real, but sometimes you just have to believe in myths.

Right now I'm really wishing I could go and find my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Then maybe I could finally get out of here. You know how people all ways say that once you hit rock bottom things can only get better? Yeah......well those people are full of shit because things can get worse when you hit rock bottom. I'm living proof of that.

Once again I'm being threatened to be kicked out of the house. Don't really know why, but I am. Once again I'm getting the whole "you have X number of days to get your stuff together and leave before we throw your stuff out and change the locks on the house". Doesn't hearing something like that make you feel loved?

The funny part about all of this is that I'm the only one that ever gets threatened to be kicked out of the house. None of the others ever get told that. I originally was told I would have to move out if I didn't get a job. Now I'm working two jobs while going to school full time because I get no financial help from my family. I guess that isn't enough for them because I'm also now supposed to make dinner and clean the house while I'm home between school and work. Never mind the fact that whenever I get home no one ever leaves me any dinner and so I'm stuck with whatever I can find which usual is little to nothing.

Everyone else around here can do no wrong though. Margaret can throw her hissy fits and my parents say that she can't do something but then a few hours later they change their minds and she's back to doing whatever she wants. Eddie's the gold boy and could probably get away with murder in their eyes. Emily is the oldest and therefore never gets yelled at. So since I'm not the oldest, youngest, or only boy I get all of the anger and yelling and such directed right at me...........doesn't that sound fun?

The thing is it wasn't all ways like this..............I mean I can't really remember, but there must have been sometime when my family actually cared about me. I know there were times when I wasn't yelled at every single day. There weren't times when my family made me cry daily. Just, right now those times seem like ancient history.

I know I act like this doesn't bug me that much. But, the truth is it hurts a whole hell of a lot. Between your family pretty much saying we don't care about you get the hell out of here to your little sister saying I wish you were dead and not getting punished for it. Everything hurts. It's been going on for so long that the pain and pressure of pretending to be happy is finally taking its toll on me. I mean there are times when I'm in actual pain from crying so much and curling up somewhere to try and escape all of this.

I want to leave here. I really do. But every time I decide I'm going to leave something happens that makes me stay. For some reason when that happens I seem to think that maybe everything will be getting better. Yet, every time I get let down. I guess I'm just not smart enough to learn that it isn't going to be getting better anytime soon.

I'm doomed to suffer in this hell. I don't get to have a happy ending.